Dear Conflict Coach,
My roommate and I looked at our roommate agreement again, just to see how it was working for us. I thought everything was going great, but my roommate came back with a bunch of stuff they wanted to change. I want our roommate relationship to work, so I feel like I should just give them what they want. Some of it’s okay with me (we are both getting earplugs and eye masks to deal with different sleep schedules), but some of it I’m less sure about, like no guests on school nights. How do I decide which battles to pick?
– Don’t Know Which Rights to Fight For
Dear Don’t Know Which Rights to Fight For,
First, praise to you and your roommate for pro-actively checking in on how things are going. Given the big adaptation that is college, this is a great strategy to be sure that what you hoped would work, actually does.
Second, you may be feeling a little hurt that your roommate has multiple issues they wanted to discuss. At the same time, I’m glad that they trust you, and value the relationship enough to be real with you. A little conflict is normal in these situations, and it sounds like you and your roommate are engaging in that conflict to have a more improved and honest relationship.
As far as which “battles to pick,” I’m going to reframe that as “issues on which to advocate.” My experience is that using the language of “war” to talk about normal levels of difference can make the conflict seem worse than it is. And, I have a strategy to make it even easier for you.
STEP 1: Think about how you typically approach a conflict like this.
Most of us have a typical way we approach conflict, and one theory names five different approaches or styles of conflict.
(adapted from United States Institute of Peace (USIP)’s Conflict Styles Assessment and Kilmann Diagnostics)
The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Styles theory suggests that we all have a preference for how we resolve conflict. This theory suggests that there are five general approaches to conflict: accommodating, avoiding, collaborating, competing, and compromising. These will vary depending upon the nature and context of a particular conflict.
- Accommodating
Accommodating is a harmonizing approach to conflict. Those who prefer this style often focus on supporting others in a conflict situation and are adept at placating people in uncomfortable situations. Those who prefer accommodating often gain strong appreciation from others involved in a conflict.
Weaknesses: Those who prefer accommodating may build up resentment from denying their own needs. It also may be difficult for those who want to get to the root of the problem to work with Those who prefer accommodating who tend to focus on making others happy.
- Avoiding
Those who prefer avoiding tend to step away from conflict. They often keep their opinions to themselves in conflict situations so as not to continue or escalate the conflict. They are often admired for having a calming, quiet presence in the face of crisis.
Weaknesses: Those who prefer avoiding sometimes keep their feelings bottled up and then aren’t able to meet their own needs. This can result in a frustrating buildup of emotions.
- Collaborating
(USIP refers to this as “Problem-Solving”)
Those who prefer collaborating tend to want to discuss all the details of a problem and work through it together so that everyone gets what they want and is happy in the end. Their strengths are that they tend to welcome differences, build high-levels of trust and mutual understanding in relationships. There is also the potential to learn from creative problem solving.
Weaknesses: When time is a factor, it is difficult to spend the energy and time needed to process the way those who prefer collaborating tend do. There is also the potential for burnout from over-processing.
- Competing
Those who prefer competing are known for being persuasive and direct. They know the result they want in a conflict situation, and they go for it. Their strengths are that they are often passionate about their views and dedicated to pursuing their convictions. Those who prefer competing are good at making quick decisions, and tend not to waste time, which is especially helpful in the time of crisis.
Weaknesses: Sometimes those who prefer competing wind up with unequal relationships with others, and feelings of others can be hurt or overlooked with their decision-making style.
- Compromising
Those who prefer compromising approach conflict with the goal of compromise. They tend to think about what they are willing to give up and what they are willing to hold on to, and try to gear communication to focus on this give and take for all parties. It is a good way to promote cooperation. It can be done fairly quickly when both parties are engaged.
Weaknesses: Those who prefer compromising may miss opportunities for creative problem- solving and gaining buy-in. They may also struggle when faced with a conflict that can’t be “split down the middle.”
You may think you know which is your typical one, and I’ll gently advise you to be cautious that you might think you have one just because it’s the one you want to have. If you’re not sure, you can ask a few trusted friends or family how they would describe your approach. You can also take an online conflict styles assessment like this one.
That your instinct is to give your roommate what they want suggests to me you might typically choose accommodating, but conflict styles are complicated and I don’t want to assume.
STEP 2: Use this chart to think about how you should approach a given conflict.
If the conflict is one where you don’t feel a strong need to be assertive and where your roommate really hopes you’ll cooperate, then this model suggests that you should be accommodating and do what they want. The earplugs and eye masks seem like they might be in this category for you.
If the conflict is one where you feel strongly and weeknight guests sound like this then you should probably be competing, especially if it’s not important to your roommate or collaborating if your roommate also feels strongly about the topic.
The good news is that whatever you or your roommate’s typical approach to conflict is, you can adapt to the specific conflict, which should help you both have good outcomes on your way towards being roommates who respect each other.
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