Dear Conflict Coach,
My roommate and I recently looked at our Roommate Success Plan again–just to see how it was working for us. I thought everything was going great, but my roommate came back with a bunch of stuff they wanted to change. I want our roommate relationship to work, so I feel like I should just give them what they want. Some of it’s okay with me (we are both getting earplugs and eye masks to deal with different sleep schedules), but some of it I’m less sure about, like no guests on school nights. How do I decide which battles to pick?
– Don’t Know What to Do
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Dear Don’t Know What to Do,
First, big praise to you and your roommate for pro-actively checking in on how things are going. Given the big adaptation that is college, this is a great strategy to be sure that what you hoped would work, actually does.
Second, you may be feeling a little hurt that your roommate has multiple issues they wanted to discuss. At the same time, I’m glad that they trust you and value the relationship enough to be real with you. A little conflict is normal in these situations, and it sounds like you and your roommate are engaging in that conflict to have a more improved and honest relationship.
As far as which “battles to pick,” I think it is better to reframe it as “issues on which to advocate.” My experience is that using the language of “battles” or “war” to talk about normal levels of difference can elevate the conflict and ultimately make it seem worse than it is. And, I have a strategy to make it even easier for you.
STEP 1: Think about how you typically approach a conflict like this.
Most of us have a typical way we approach conflict, and one theory names five different approaches or styles of conflict.
(1) Accommodating
(2) Avoiding
(3) Collaborating
(4) Competing
(5) Compromising
You may think you know which is your typical one, and I’ll gently advise you to be cautious that you might think you have one just because it’s the one you want to have. If you’re not sure, you can ask a few trusted friends or family how they would describe your approach.
That your instinct is to give your roommate what they want suggests to me you might typically choose accommodating, but conflict styles are complicated and I don’t want to assume.
STEP 2: Use this chart to think about how you should approach a given conflict.
If the conflict is one where you don’t feel a strong need to be assertive and where your roommate really hopes you’ll cooperate, then this model suggests that you would be accommodating and agree with what they want. The earplugs and eye masks seem like they might be in this category for you.
If the conflict is one where you feel strongly, and the item about weeknight guests sounds like this, then you would probably be competing, especially if it’s not important to your roommate or collaborating if your roommate also feels strongly about the topic.
The good news is that whatever you or your roommate’s typical approach to conflict is, you can adapt to the specific conflict, which should help you both have good outcomes on your way towards being roommates who respect each other.
Got a question for the Conflict Coach? You can anonymously submit your question.
- October 6, 2026: Clean and Conflicted
Dear Conflict Coach,
What do you do if you really like and get along with your roommate, but they are so messy? They maintain such a mess on their side of the room and never seem to organize or take the time to really clean it, even though they say they will. Please help!
–Clean and Conflicted
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Dear Clean and Conflicted,
The good news is that if you and your roommate are getting along! You probably both care whether the other is comfortable in the room. And, the thing is – your roommate may not understand how or why their mess affects you. If you have divided the room into “sides,” then your roommate might perceive that they can do what they want with “their” side, because the space belongs to them. You might perceive that even if the mess stays on their side (and that “if” might be important here), the mess still affects you because you can see it and you may have to maneuver around it, which may be what is making you uncomfortable in your room.
You may find it helpful to not just ask your roommate to clean, but to explain how the mess is impacting you. One approach might be to say something like, “I really like living with you, and I know we both want each other to feel comfortable living here. For me, a room with clothes on the floor is really hard to be comfortable in, because I’m afraid I’ll walk on things that are important to you.” The exact words should align with your relationship and the key parts of a statement like this are that you:
- Ground the feedback in caring about the relationship (drawing on the reservoir of good interactions since moving in);
- Highlight a shared goal or value, like that you both want the other to feel comfortable in the room or you both want guests to feel comfortable in the room;
- Give specifics about what “messy” or “neat” means to you. You don’t say whether or not you and your roommate have really talked about what “organized” or “clean” means–and they may mean different things to each of you. “Clean” might seem more obvious than “respect,” and it probably is–but you may simply be dealing with different understandings of what it means to be clean and organized.
- Outline the impact on you, rather than labeling the other person. People can legitimately disagree about how clean the room should be. Whether or not a clean room “matters,” is also something that people can disagree about. How you feel about the mess, however, is not up for debate.
Finally, be prepared for your roommate to have some feedback for you, too. Your tendency towards tidiness may make them anxious and overwhelmed trying to replicate it, and maybe they just gave up. Whatever the feedback is, try to take that feedback as another chance to build towards your shared value of developing a room that feels like home for both.
Got a question for the Conflict Coach? You can anonymously submit your question.
- September 29, 2026: Exhausted and Can’t Get Enough Sleep
Dear Conflict Coach-
Help! My roommate and I have sleeping schedules that are a total mismatch. How do I fix this?
– Exhausted and Can’t Get Enough Sleep
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Dear Exhausted,
I’m so sorry. Sleep conflicts definitely make everything harder. You may have already tried things like earplugs, white noise apps, or eye mask covers. If you haven’t, those devices may help you engineer your way through this, but I also know they don’t necessarily work for everyone.
You don’t say whether you’ve spoken with your roommate about this yet, and whether they’re experiencing the same issue. The use of the word “mismatch” makes me think that the disrupted sleep may be mutual. If you haven’t talked to your roommate, I suggest starting there. In choosing the word “mismatch,” you’ve done a great job framing this as a likely shared problem for you both to tackle together–rather than a problem caused entirely by one of you. This gives you a larger team solving the conflict.
So, you can approach this conflict conversation with your roommate exactly as you approached it with me, “Hey roomie. Our sleeping schedules just don’t seem to line up great. I know that’s hard for me, and I’m guessing it’s hard for you, too.” When you approach your roommate this way, you’ve framed the problem of disrupted sleep as one you can both work on together.
As you move into talking about sleep itself, some of the following questions might help you sort out what you both need so you can rest and be your best selves.
- Ideally, when would you each like to go to sleep and wake up? You may find that you’re not as incompatible as you think.
- What adjustments to sleep schedules work and don’t work for each of you? Some people can happily wake up earlier, make-up for night sleep with daytime naps, or go to bed earlier. Knowing what flexibility is possible will help you all adjust where you can.
- What is actually disrupting sleep for each of you? Is it overhearing the other person’s conversation on the phone? Is it light or noise? Is it a specific noise? (Conflict Coach cannot sleep through the sound of water dripping out of a faucet.) Is one of you snoring? Note: Moving to a new city can trigger allergies. Once you identify the specific source of the problem, you can solve for that, rather than just, “I’m not sleeping enough.”
The good news is that a lot of sleep disruption can be managed logistically once you’ve positioned you and your roommate as a team to talk it through. Finally, as both you and your roommate get used to a new environment, you’re likely to sleep better simply because you’re more comfortable and you adapt to small noises. As you work through this, keep an open mind that the situation will probably be best improved if you both make small changes.
Got a question for the Conflict Coach? You can anonymously submit your question.
- September 15, 2026: Expectations & Respect
Dear Conflict Coach–
I just wrapped up the first couple weeks of my first semester, and most things seem great. The only issue is my roommate. I was so optimistic about our roommate relationship. We agreed that we would be respectful of each other, but my roommate is repeatedly doing things like eating my food and inviting friends over without permission. They’re a nice person and I’d like to get along but their lack of common sense, especially after we agreed to consider each other, is really hard for me.
– Trying Not to Get Upset
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Dear Trying Not to Get Upset –
First, I’m glad that you see some nice things about your roommate and others around you. And I love that you both set out to be respectful of each other. That’s the foundation of any good relationship.
I’m guessing, though, that you never defined what “respectful” meant. In your family or your high school community, everyone may have had a shared understanding about what respect means. As your circle broadens in GW’s diverse community, you’ll find that people have lots of different definitions of respect. Respect might mean welcoming each other’s guests. Respect might mean asking permission first.
Respect is great, and you and your roommate probably need to be clear about what respect means. The sooner you both clarify that, the sooner you can enjoy the nice person you know your roommate is. Here are some quick tips for setting effective expectations with peers.
- Start with the assumption that people can have diverse understanding about phrases like “respectful” and “common sense.” Communicate your own expectations, and listen to others about what they expect. Develop shared expectations together, rather than assuming they exist.
- Phrase expectations in terms of what you want, not what you hope to avoid. Also, set an expectation that applies to all involved. You could say, “I’d like us to agree that we’ll ask before eating food that the other bought.” Stating what you want in a goes-both-ways phrasing is usually clearer and more welcomed than saying, “I don’t want you to eat my food.”
- Agree on a plan to revisit expectations in a couple of weeks. That way, as you adapt to life at GW, your expectations with each other can change and adapt as well.
- If you want more support for talking to your roommate about this, reach out to your Area Coordinator. They’re a great resource for helping you talk with your roommate.
Have a question for the Conflict Coach? You can anonymously submit your question here.